Funny thing about "Ah-ha" Moments
I feel the need to start off with a disclaimer. This is a personal story. One I share with you all to create a bond of understanding, to say that nobody has it all figured out. Even those that have a platform to speak of mindfulness and clarity have moments of other feelings besides "happy". We are given wide ranges of emotions to experience what is it like to be human. And to learn from those feelings and experiences.
I also share this story because over the last 10 years of being an esthetician, and 6 years of working with energy, this situation arises with so many people that I know I'm not alone, for this topic is asked so frequently. It is to give hope. It is for each of you to take what you wish from this. My hope is that you take something positive, always.
It started out slow.
I got upset at a person, place, or thing.
I didn’t take the time to process that irritation and let it wedge itself in.
I vented about it - giving it life, giving it energy.
Then, another person, place, or thing got at me and I became squinty-eyed and maybe even a bit growly.
I began to fester.
To boil up.
I vented and gave it more energy.
It morphed into so much anger at these people, places, and things.
The anger turned to resentment where I didn’t even want to be around these people, places, and things. This went on for weeks. I wanted to be left alone. Far away alone.Deep in my hole of self-destruction where I could marinate in my loathing.
That’s when I knew I was getting another one of life’s lessons. They come in these balls of turmoil. They come in experiences and emotions and the two work together like yin and yang.
The more I wanted to figure out the lesson the more it eluded me and the angrier I got. I felt like saying "for the f***s sake why can’t god/spirit/universe just give me the cliff notes?" Right? Ever been here before?
Then it started slowly - just how it came on.
"Practice what you preach" ran through my head.
I took a bath. Nothing luxurious. Just hot water and me. Nobody and nothing else.
I took a minute to walk away and get that solitude I crave.
(fun fact - people that can work hours on end in a dark and quiet room are most likely introverts, lol)
I felt bad doing it, guilty for not spending time with my kids, panicked the dishes weren’t done, and wondering if I was a bad person/mom/wife for taking that time.
But I grabbed a book and dove in.
Something had to be here printed in these pages for me to grasp onto.
Something spiritual had to leap up and slap me in my pity party sneer face and wake me up to see what the big picture was in this lesson.
And then I heard a little girl's voice calling my name from the stairs and it all ended.
Duty came back with a heavy sigh, time was up and I was back in the game of the nighttime routine.
Though all of this mental/emotional turmoil had rendered me exhausted, I stayed awake that night pouring over the pages of the book when I stumbled upon the next chapter titled "forgiveness".
What do I have to learn about forgiveness, I thought. I've done my work here. What could I take from a lesson already learned?
Yet the pages spoke to me.
Oooh! That one sunk in.
And yet another, until slowly I dozed off.
I woke up feeling a little lighter.
The day wore on and so did my nerves but that day there was less anger and what was lost was replaced with sadness.
The urge to cry at meaningless things. Songs, ads, random thoughts.
Yet I held back and went about my day and evening with clients.
During a client session, we began with a card reading. For those of you who haven't experience card readings, I have you think of a question, something you need an answer for, something you cannot figure out. The card or cards pulled are directed by the Universe/Spirit world and are strangely accurate and applicable to your question.
Now those of you who truly know me, know I can be quite OCD at times. My card decks are always "just so" but not today - see, one card was flipped over in the middle of the deck.
I instantly thought two thoughts:
- who was messing with my deck, and
- I bet that card is for me
The card title was "let it go".
The very next day as I drove into work, "my" red-tailed hawk came back and was sitting on its branch. I hadn't seen it for weeks - this whole time actually it was gone. But here it was once again. Now, I am fully aware this bird is not "my" bird, I am also aware it was likely perched in that spot overlooking a field because it was hunting. I am also very much aware it probably thought "here comes that crazy lady in the black suburban again who keeps messing up my hunting by pulling over to talk to me like a loon!"
But, I am also educated in Indian and Native American philosophies and when certain animals present themselves in certain times of your life (as this hawk does in mine) it has greater meaning. And so, there I sat, on the side of the road with cars driving by me, with tears streaming down my face. Overwhelmed with gratitude.
For, the cliff notes I had asked for above had finally begun to present themselves.
"When Hawk swoops into your life be ready for a whole new level of awareness developing in your mind and spirit. Hawk bears observation skills and broad perspectives on His wings. You could not ask for a better companion if you’ve been working on your overall insights.
Hawk is often a messenger from Angels, Devas and the Divine. He signals a time in your life when you need to focus on what’s ahead and prepare for a leadership role. Your global vision is a potent helpmate in this. Just as the Hawk, you are ready to fly higher than ever before.
It is not unusual for Hawk to inspire a time when you begin working heavily with new divination methods. Effectively you’re learning to trust your own inner guidance and Higher Self. Do not simply brush off gut instincts as being happenstance. When Hawk is around these moments become far more frequent. Direct your attention to the messages you’re getting and let Hawk hone your focus.
In nature Hawk is a bird of prey. This means that you are learning a lot about timing your actions. Hawk medicine begins with observation and ends with swift, decisive and successful movement.
Do not be surprised if you find your psychic abilities, especially clairvoyance, growing. One of Hawk’s greatest aptitude is their vision, but in a spiritual setting, this applies to not just physical site but supernatural “seeing” too.
In ancient times Hawk was associated with the soul. The Egyptians, for example, depicted the human spirit as a Hawk that flew out of the body and reincarnated as a Hawk. Notably Horus, the sky god, also held Hawk sacred. Similarly, the Greeks associated Hawk with Jupiter, the chief among all gods".
Upon my arrival to work that day, I fully understood what I was to do.
I tackled my to-do list at work in order of importance and what I could save for the next day, I did - then I took a half day. I went home and knew that step one was to clear the energy stuck in my house. So I started in the basement and worked my way through the main floor and upstairs, smudging with sage and sweetgrass and sealing the energy with my Tibetan singing bowl. I opened all the windows to clear out the bad juju, and rid the house of the smokey scent, and welcomed clean air into the newly aligned energy of my sanctuary space. Then I sat outside with my dog, brushing him and talking to him about life. Then I plunged back into my bathtub with my book.
Ahhhhhh - this was the chapter on practicing gratitude.
So I thought to myself - okay - gotcha - I'm with you on this one - I was grateful for my hawk just this morning! And I stumbled across a passage about our inner child needing to be loved, looking for acceptance and validation of worth and value and how many of us search for this in external ways our whole lives when worth and value are here within us always.We come to the world as our own soul part of a circle of people, places, and interactions, but we are always "just us" here for our own enlightening journey on earth school.
So my "ah-ha" moment upon reflecting on this passage was that I have spent so much of my life hoping, working hard for, or changing who I am for external approval or acceptance of worthiness - and if my life's purpose is to help other women see and love themselves as they are - then I need to see and love myself for who I am first.
We are not here to get validation from others that our individual journey is approved.
This is me. This is you. This is who we are and who we always have been. We are all here to learn something, to create impact somewhere, great or small. And when we begin to open up, to be aware of and accepting of our emotions, the lessons and the messages begin to unfold for us. When we are always only "happy", we are not allowing ourselves to fully embrace the lessons we were put here for.
I intend to go deeper into my own work and learn more. Not just about harnessing my skills, but my own lessons in life because I know that doing this for myself is because I am supposed to help others overcome their obstacles. Whether it be with my personal journey stories, or in an energy healing session, or simply the loving touch during a facial. Helping people be themselves and love themselves - entirely - is my purpose.
I started just as an esthetician and slowly entered the healing arts with Reiki and crystal healing certification. The more I work on people, even in the last year, my intuition and readings have opened up so much more.
In May, I will be attending a full two-day retreat to begin work learning about Shamanism and this fall I will complete my Master Reiki program. Next year is one full of skincare trade shows and a deeper knowledge of skin physiology and technologies. I’m so excited to be able to bring these life lessons to you in workshop form I the future!
I hope my story is one you can take and think about in terms of all of your bumps in the road - how are you working through them - where do you need help? Who can you go to in times of need? How can you dive in deeper to the real root cause of these feelings?
Nothing happens overnight. Fresh air, awareness, and acceptance of all emotions that run their course are keys to a life well lived. My wish for you is that you're able to look back one day and be proud of the development you accomplished this time on earth.